What's in a Name: Different Parenting Styles

Recently a television series pitted different parenting styles against each other. Being a second series, it broadened the range of parenting labels to fill the space. It is easy to believe there is an official list of parenting styles which can be viewed like a menu, with expectant or new parents selecting one and then following directions.

You might be surprised to learn that most people don't identify themselves as a particular type of parent or even consider they follow a method at all.

Parenting styles in psychology

The four main parenting styles — permissive, authoritative, neglectful and authoritarian — used in child psychology today are based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, and Stanford researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. These are not labels parents would apply to themselves, they are used in assessing how parents interact with their children. Each style has recognisable traits:

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychology researcher known for his extensive studies on family dynamics, has dedicated his research to defining and studying various parenting styles. Similar to the Baumrind model, Dr. Gottman also identified and explored four main parenting styles. However, unlike the Baumrind model, which encompasses various aspects of parenting, Gottman's model exclusively focuses on the emotional dynamics of the parent-child relationship.

In Gottman's framework, he outlines four distinct parenting styles:

Alongside the behaviour-focused work of Baumrind and emotion-focused approach of Gottman, is a third perspective: Attachment. Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, is a framework that explores the emotional bond between children and their caregivers. According to attachment theory, a strong and secure attachment between an infant and their primary caregiver is essential for healthy psychological and emotional development. This bond, often formed during early childhood, plays a crucial role in shaping an individual's ability to form and maintain relationships throughout their lifetime. Attachment theory suggests that our early experiences with attachment influence our capacity for trust, empathy, and intimacy, impacting how we perceive and interact with the world around us. By understanding and valuing the significance of attachment, parents and caregivers can foster secure and loving relationships, providing a foundation for a child's lifelong emotional well-being.

Basically, there are two approaches to parenting. Perhaps the best known is the ‘behavioural’ model, where parents rely on rewards and punishment to obtain compliance from their children. The alternative approach, known as a relationship, or humanist, approach, does not use reward or punishment, but instead depends on the relationship to develop an inner discipline.

Parenting styles in popular culture

When parents talk about choosing a particular style of parenting, what they are usually referring to are informal labels given to a group of practices or beliefs popularised by individuals or groups. For most of modern western history, the Bible guided parents and religious leaders enforced beliefs such as “spare the rod and spoil the child “

The late 19th and early 20th century saw the birth of childcare methods, largely intended for the management of infants and children in institutions such as foundling homes, orphanages, workhouses etc for the poor and nurseries and boarding schools for the rich. The burgeoning middle class were clearly fit to raise their own children without supervision or direction. However, it was the middle classes in the post-war baby boom who turned to books on how to raise their children. And experts like Dr Benjamin Spock sold millions of copies of babycare manuals.

Parents generally followed the advice of doctors and nurses, read the manuals and didn't really question any of it until the latter decades of the 20th century, as the baby boomers grew up, marched out and became educated. As women were increasingly attending university, they began questioning the way childbirth and childcare were directed by male doctors and childless nurses (the expectations for married women to retire from paid work on marriage or when pregnancy was announced meant nurses were unlikely to have their own young children)

“Earth Mother” was a sometimes derogatory term used to describe women who aimed for drug-free childbirth, breastfed, carried their babies and prepared their own baby food. Depicted as hippy-like, long-haired goddesses dressed in peasant skirts, they were the polar opposite of the iconic 1960s and 70s suburban housewife who kept their babies on a tight schedule and their homes and bodies immaculate for their husband's approval.

The two “tribes” were beginning to form. Pushback against behaviour-based methods of child-raising began as parents were more informed about the psychological impact of the techniques they applied: both positive and negative.

The rise of the Earth Mother

Southern Natural Parenting Network

The type of parenting supported by our online community goes by many names and descriptions. When it was founded in 2014, Natural Parenting resounded most with our core practices. However, we align with most methods of relationship-based parenting, rather than behaviour-based.

Attachment Parenting

The term was coined by Dr William Sears and his wife Martha to describe how they applied the traditional methods described in The Continuum Concept, the classic book published in 1975 by Jean Liedloff. Possibly the first “labelled” approach to parenting, the Sears original book was called Creative Parenting: how to use the attachment parenting concept to raise children successfully from birth through adolescence when it was published in 1982.

Attachment parenting is an approach to parenting that focuses on building a strong emotional bond and connection between parent and child. It is rooted in the belief that meeting a child's needs for affection, care, and security promotes their optimal development.
Central to attachment parenting is the practice of being emotionally available and responsive to a child's cues and needs. This means understanding and meeting their physical, emotional, and psychological needs promptly. From infancy through childhood, attachment parenting encourages parents to fulfill their child's requirements for love, attention, and support.

One of the fundamental principles of attachment parenting is babywearing. Carrying a baby or young child in a sling or carrier has numerous benefits. It promotes bonding, provides security, and offers a sense of closeness between parent and child. Babywearing not only meets the child's need for physical proximity but also allows the parent to engage in everyday activities while keeping the child close.

Another essential aspect of attachment parenting is breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is viewed as a vital way to nourish a child while simultaneously promoting a strong emotional connection between the parent and baby. Breastfeeding ensures that the child's emotional and physical needs are met, fostering a sense of security and trust.

Attachment parenting also emphasizes co-sleeping or bed-sharing as a way to strengthen the parent-child bond. Sleeping close to a child promotes nighttime nurturing and responsiveness. It not only facilitates breastfeeding but also allows parents to quickly attend to a child's needs, offering comfort and reassurance during the night.

Moreover, attachment parenting encourages positive discipline techniques that focus on teaching and guiding rather than punishment. This approach emphasizes understanding and empathizing with the child's emotions while setting clear boundaries and models respectful and empathetic communication.

Overall, attachment parenting provides a nurturing and responsive framework that fosters a secure emotional bond between parent and child. By fulfilling a child's needs for love, attention, and physical closeness, parents can lay the foundation for healthy emotional development, self-confidence, and secure relationships throughout their child's life.

Gentle Parenting
British author Sarah Ockwell-Smith is credited with the term Gentle Parenting and has written multiple books applying this approach.

Gentle parenting is a parenting philosophy that originated from the belief in treating children with love, respect, and kindness. It emphasizes on nurturing strong parent-child relationships, promoting emotional well-being, and guiding children through positive discipline techniques. This approach to parenting views children as individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and needs, and aims to raise them in an empathetic and non-coercive manner.

Gentle parenting advocates recognize that children thrive when they feel secure and loved, and when their emotional needs are met. They believe that by cultivating a strong parent-child attachment, children develop a healthy sense of self-esteem, trust, and empathy.
Furthermore, gentle parenting emphasizes using positive discipline techniques rather than punitive measures. This approach focuses on teaching children appropriate behavior by guiding and redirecting them instead of resorting to punishments or reward-based systems. Gentle parents strive to understand the underlying causes of their child's behavior and work towards addressing those issues with patience, empathy, and clear communication.

The core principles of gentle parenting encompass building trust, fostering emotional intelligence, respectful communication, setting age-appropriate boundaries, and treating children with empathy and understanding. It encourages actively listening to children, validating their emotions, and involving them in decision-making processes, whenever possible.

It is important to note that gentle parenting does not advocate for permissiveness or the absence of discipline. Instead, it promotes constructive discipline methods that focus on teaching, guiding, and modeling positive behavior. These methods include natural consequences, problem-solving discussions, setting limits with empathy, and using effective communication skills.

Overall, gentle parenting is an approach that values building strong connections and nurturing emotional well-being in children. It aims to create an environment where children feel safe, loved, and understood, enabling them to grow into confident, empathetic, and responsible individuals.

Responsive Parenting
Responsive parenting refers to a parenting approach that places emphasis on attentiveness, sensitivity, and empathetic understanding towards a child's needs. It involves being attuned to the child's emotional and physical signals, and promptly and appropriately responding to them in order to meet their needs and foster a secure attachment.

Responsive parents prioritize building a strong and trusting relationship with their child, recognizing that this bond forms the basis for their child's emotional well-being and future relationships. They strive to create a supportive and nurturing environment where their child feels safe, loved, and understood.

In practice, responsive parenting involves actively listening to a child, observing their cues and signals, and responding sensitively to meet their needs. It involves providing comfort, reassurance, and guidance, while also encouraging their autonomy and self-regulation. Responsive parents engage in warm and consistent interactions, offering emotional support, affection, and a sense of security.
The ethos of responsive parenting encompasses the belief that each child is unique and has individual needs, preferences, and temperament. It recognizes that children have their own pace and development trajectory and that responsive parents should adapt their approach accordingly.

In summary, responsive parenting is predicated on the understanding that a child's emotional, physical, and psychological well-being depends on sensitive and attuned caregiving. It promotes a nurturing, supportive, and loving environment in which the child feels valued, understood, and secure.

Instinctive Parenting
Instinctive parenting, also known as intuitive parenting, is an approach to raising children that emphasizes trusting one's natural instincts as a caregiver. It is about relying on the innate wisdom and knowledge that all parents have within them, rather than relying solely on external advice or societal expectations.

At its core, instinctive parenting recognizes that each child is unique and that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. It encourages parents to listen to their intuition and respond to their child's needs in a way that feels right to them. It is about forging a deep and authentic connection with one's child and creating an environment that nurtures their emotional, physical, and psychological well-being.

This parenting style places importance on understanding and meeting a child's needs in a timely and sensitive manner. It encourages parents to be attuned to their child's cues and signals, whether they are related to hunger, sleep, comfort, or emotional support. Instinctive parents often prioritize being present in the moment and responding to their child's cues promptly, as they believe that this helps to build trust and strengthen the parent-child bond.

Instinctive parenting promotes a compassionate and empathetic approach. Parents who adopt this style strive to see the world through their child's eyes and understand their feelings and experiences. They respect and validate their child's emotions, teaching them healthy ways to express themselves and cope with challenges.

Instinctive parenting also recognizes the importance of self-care for parents. It acknowledges that when caregivers prioritize their own well-being and emotional health, they can better meet the needs of their child. This involves setting boundaries, seeking support when needed, and nurturing one's own personal growth.

Overall, instinctive parenting encourages parents to trust their instincts, embrace their unique journey, and create an environment of love, respect, and understanding. It recognizes that parenting is not a flawless science but rather an ongoing learning experience, where parents must continuously adjust and adapt to the ever-evolving needs of their child. By cultivating a strong sense of intuition and staying connected to their child, instinctive parents strive to provide a loving and secure foundation for their child's growth and development.

Natural Parenting
In a world filled with endless parenting approaches, natural parenting stands out as a philosophy and lifestyle that emphasizes the bond between parents and their children, advocating for a nurturing, holistic, and intuitive approach to child-rearing.
At its core, natural parenting revolves around the belief that babies and children are born with an innate wisdom and the ability to communicate their needs and preferences. This approach aims to honor and cultivate that wisdom by providing a nurturing and supportive environment that respects the child's individuality and unique journey.

Central to natural parenting is the concept of attachment parenting, which emphasizes the importance of forming a secure and loving bond between parent and child. This bond is fostered through practices such as breastfeeding on demand, babywearing, and co-sleeping, all of which promote a close physical and emotional connection between parent and child.
Natural parenting also prioritizes gentle discipline, focusing on teaching and guiding rather than punishment. It encourages parents to understand and empathize with their child's emotions, recognizing them as valid and important. By utilizing positive discipline techniques, parents aim to foster cooperation and understanding, promoting empathy and respect in their interactions with their children.

Another aspect of natural parenting is a commitment to providing a healthy and natural lifestyle for children. This includes offering a balanced diet of whole, unprocessed foods, introducing baby-led weaning, and embracing organic and locally sourced options whenever possible. Minimizing exposure to harmful chemicals and toxins is also a priority, from choosing natural and eco-friendly household products to opting for cloth diapers over disposables.

Furthermore, natural parenting recognizes the significance of the natural world in a child's development. Encouraging outdoor play, nature exploration, and connection with the environment are integral components of this philosophy. Through this connection, children can experience the beauty and wonder of the world around them, fostering a sense of awe, curiosity, and respect for nature.
In essence, natural parenting is a gentle and intuitive approach that values the nurturing bond between parent and child. It embraces attachment, respect, and empathy, recognizing the individuality and uniqueness of each child. By cherishing and honoring the natural instincts and needs of children, natural parenting strives to create a loving, compassionate, and harmonious environment, promoting the optimal growth and development of each child.

Respectful Parenting
Respectful parenting is an approach that seeks to cultivate a nurturing and collaborative relationship between parents and their children. Rooted in mutual respect and empathy, it takes into account the needs, emotions, and autonomy of both the child and the parent. It creates a safe and loving environment where children can grow, learn, and thrive.

At its core, respectful parenting places great importance on treating children as individuals with unique thoughts, feelings, and ideas. It recognizes their inherent worth and focuses on building strong connections based on trust, understanding, and open communication. This approach rejects traditional authoritarian parenting methods that rely on control, punishment, and manipulation.
When practicing respectful parenting, parents strive to develop a deep understanding of their child's developmental stage and unique temperament. They approach situations with empathy and seek to see the world from their child's perspective. This helps them respond to their child's needs with kindness, patience, and compassion.

Respectful parenting encourages parents to listen attentively to their child, valuing their thoughts, desires, and concerns. This open channel of communication allows for healthy expression of emotions and fosters a sense of belonging and importance. Parents also prioritize providing consistent emotional support, offering guidance when needed, and encouraging their child's autonomy and independence.

One key element of respectful parenting is setting boundaries and limits in a way that is respectful, clear, and consistent. Rather than imposing strict rules, parents work collaboratively with their child to establish age-appropriate boundaries that take into account their individual needs and developmental milestones. This promotes self-discipline, responsibility, and helps children understand and respect the expectations of their family and society.

By modeling respectful behavior, parents become an example for their children to follow. They acknowledge and validate their child's emotions, helping them build emotional intelligence. Discipline is approached through positive guidance and respectful communication, avoiding punitive measures that can damage the parent-child relationship.

Respectful parenting recognizes that children are capable of contributing to their family and community. It encourages parents to involve their children in decision-making processes, fostering a sense of responsibility and building their problem-solving skills.
In conclusion, respectful parenting seeks to nurture a deep, authentic connection between parents and their children. It emphasizes mutual respect, trust, and open communication, creating an environment where children feel valued, supported, and understood.

Nurturing Parenting
Nurturing parenting is a holistic approach that emphasizes creating a loving and supportive environment for children to thrive. It goes beyond meeting their physical needs and encompasses their emotional, social, and psychological development. Rooted in compassion, empathy, and respect, nurturing parenting aims to foster a strong parent-child bond and promote positive child outcomes.

At its core, nurturing parenting recognizes that children need to feel safe, cherished, and valued in order to grow into confident and well-adjusted individuals. It involves actively engaging with children, providing them with guidance, and helping them develop the skills they need to navigate the world. Nurturing parents strive to build a strong foundation based on love, unconditional acceptance, and open communication.

In nurturing parenting, discipline is viewed as a teaching opportunity rather than a punishment. Parents guide their children gently and consistently, setting clear and reasonable boundaries. They encourage learning through mistakes and promote problem-solving skills rather than resorting to harsh discipline methods that might harm the child's emotional well-being.

It is essential for nurturing parents to cultivate a strong emotional connection with their children. They actively listen, acknowledge and validate their feelings, and provide a supportive shoulder to lean on during difficult times. By creating a warm and trusting relationship, parents can become a secure base from which their children can explore the world and develop a healthy sense of self.

Another crucial aspect of nurturing parenting is fostering independence and self-confidence. Parents encourage their children to explore their interests, try new experiences, and make decisions. They provide guidance and support, allowing children to learn from their mistakes and develop resilience. This approach instills a sense of self-esteem and self-worth, enabling children to become capable and autonomous individuals.

Nurturing parenting also emphasizes the importance of quality time spent together as a family. From shared mealtimes and bedtime routines to engaging in fun activities, these moments create a sense of belonging and strengthen the family bond. Furthermore, nurturing parents strive to model positive behavior, teaching empathy, compassion, and good communication skills by example.

In summary, nurturing parenting is a comprehensive approach that recognizes the multifaceted needs of children. It involves creating a loving, supportive, and nurturing environment where children can grow and flourish. By fostering strong emotional connections, providing guidance, promoting independence, and modeling positive values, nurturing parents lay the foundation for their children's well-being and success in life.

Holistic Parenting
Holistic parenting is an approach that recognizes the interconnectedness of a child's mind, body, and spirit, and seeks to nurture all aspects of their well-being. It encompasses a wide range of practices and philosophies that prioritize a natural and conscious approach to raising children.

One of the foundational principles of holistic parenting is the belief in the innate wisdom of the child. Holistic parents place trust in their child's natural abilities and strive to create an environment that supports their development. This includes fostering a deep connection and open communication, allowing the child to express their needs and emotions freely.

Emphasizing the importance of a balanced and healthy lifestyle, holistic parenting advocates for nourishing the child's body through organic and whole foods. This means prioritizing nutritious meals, free from harmful additives, and promoting healthy eating habits. Regular physical activity, time spent in nature, and exposure to sunlight are also valued to support the child's overall well-being.
In addition to physical health, holistic parenting recognizes the significance of nurturing a child's mental and emotional well-being. It encourages parents to engage in empathetic and mindful parenting practices, such as active listening, setting boundaries with kindness, and modeling positive behavior. Creating a safe and supportive environment helps foster a sense of emotional security and builds the child's self-esteem.

Holistic parenting also incorporates alternative healthcare options to support the child's health and well-being. This can include using natural remedies, such as herbal medicine and essential oils, and seeking out holistic healthcare providers, such as naturopaths and homeopaths, when needed.

Recognizing the power of connections and community, holistic parents often seek out like-minded individuals and communities to share ideas, resources, and support. This may involve joining local parenting groups, attending holistic parenting workshops, or participating in online forums to exchange knowledge and experiences.

Overall, holistic parenting aims to cultivate a well-rounded and harmonious approach to raising children. By addressing the needs of the child's mind, body, and spirit, it encourages parents to adopt conscious and compassionate practices that promote the overall well-being of their children.

However you define your parenting style, you are firstly a family with your own unique needs and circumstances. You are not bound to a label or description and you don’t need to defend or explain your choices to others or convince them to follow your path. There will be times when you might doubt the wisdom of your ways, as this style of parenting is about the long-game - the outcome is the adult who emerges twenty years later. Always keep in mind this wonderful quote from IBCLC lactation consultant Kittie Franz:

Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience, you are raising a human being