Why you need a Village and where to find them.
Humans are social beings designed to live cooperatively in groups. Unlike the solitary orang-utan who raises one child to adulthood before breeding again - a cycle of around 8 years - humans average around 3-4 years between babies and rely on the support of others in their community to keep them alive. The intense care required by the relatively immature human infant leaves little time for much else so grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sisters and daughters step in. Traditional hunter-gatherer communities understand that keeping the next generation alive supports their own future well-being. When not caring for the very young, these women are caring for the very old. The continuity of care across the ages is part of what makes humans such a unique species.
When nomad hunter-gatherer tribes turned to subsistence farming, villages formed and community was vital for a successful harvest. Mothers of young babies continued to be supported by the other women. And have done for thousands of years.
The system crashed and burned when the nuclear family became the norm in modern western society. Extended family was not always close enough to offer practical support and young families were isolated in suburban silos. They each went about the work of feeding, housing and caring alongside but separated from their neighbours. The village constructed of family evolved into one of neighbourhood. In the post-war baby boom of the 1950s and 1960s, close relationships grew among women who shared experiences over cups of tea, on doorsteps or over the back fence.
But society continued to reshape family life and in the 1970s and 1980s, women became more independent with part-time income and their own cars, allowing them to reach beyond walking distance for friendship and support. They found playgroups and other networks to make friends and find social connection. They relied less on neighbours for friendship and became selective about who came into their circle.
By the 1990s and 2000s, society began expecting women to return to the paid workforce after maternity leave and work-based friendships increasingly replaced those close to home. More children were going into childcare, which pivoted from providing care and supervision, to early learning and education. Mothers balancing work and home were less available to attend playgroups and other weekday activities. Fathers were increasing their own time spent caring for children and social connections were more likely to be adult events at night or family activities on weekends. The village became more distant.
In the past decade or so, families have faced even more challenges, demands on their time and reduced community participation. The economic burden of the housing boom has pushed families further away from established communities and into brand new neighbourhoods. The majority of parents return to work after their 18 weeks paid parental leave and know their neighbours even less than their own stay-at-home mothers did a generation before.
But this generation has social media. Our own online community has a global membership of more than 11 000!
The vast village of the internet offers online support and has filled the void to a degree. But far-flung friends are not a physical shoulder to cry on. They are not dropping off a meal when a new baby is born or taking a toddler for the afternoon so a tired mother can sleep. There are no chats over coffee or playdates at the park.
And then came pandemic. Melbourne had six periods of lockdown over two years and families who could stay at home experienced the greatest social isolation of all. Now there were not even casual chats at pick up time or wanders around shopping centres to reduce the feelings of loneliness. Even playgrounds were closed during some stages of restrictions.
Where is the village in 2023?
You are going to have to look harder than ever before to find your physical village. A lot has moved online. A lot hasn't made it through unscathed. Groups and organisations reliant on volunteers have lost a lot of their workforce and small businesses offering activities and classes haven't always survived.
However it is more important than ever for parents and children to have a network of local community. If you live in Melbourne’s south-east, then we have a gathering just for you! But we can’t be there for everyone in person. So here are some other places to start reaching out to for like-minded parents looking to connect:
Local libraries: story-time sessions are held regularly for children 0-6 years.
Breastfeeding support groups like the Australian Breastfeeding Association and Le Leche League International offer far more than just help with sore nipples and milk supply. Regular meets are available in many areas.
Classes for babies and toddlers, like swimming, music and messy play are opportunities to create a circle of friends. Suggest meeting up for coffee.
Playgroups are still a great way to meet other families and friends for children and adults.
Exercise brings parents together with Kangatraining, yoga classes and pram walking events available.
Child health nurses facilitate groups for new parents and can often connect you with groups and activities in your area.
Babywearing communities bring parents together and meets include people with children of all ages.
Places where parents gather with babies are all around you: playgrounds, community libraries, public swimming pools, coffee shops and even popular walking tracks are opportunities to turn casual conversations into friendly acquaintanceship.
It goes unsaid that reaching out to strangers is hard. Rejection is possible. That's a risk we take. However when we do, we are modelling important social skills to our children. Taking the first step by saying hello might introduce you to your new best friend or your child’s life-long connection. You need to be brave.
