Gently parenting more than one child
Infancy is classified as the first three years of life. Like other primates, humans mostly birth one baby at a time. (Twins are just one in 250 pregnancies, triplets one in 10 000 and quads just one in 70 000. Multiple births are a whole other discussion - here we will look at singleton babies.)
Never before in human history have women had so much control over family planning. Not only contraception but also having the independence to select when to have a family and who to partner with to raise them. However, modern life has added different pressures: at what point in a woman’s career can she pause to have children and how long can childbearing be delayed while still optimising fertility. How many children can she realistically have and how close together will they be? Females have gone from very little choice about marrying and having children to overwhelming control in just a century.
However,
The average age of mothers has been rising over time, for both first-time mothers (from 27.9 years in 2009 to 29.4 in 2019) and those who have given birth previously (from 31.0 years in 2009 to 31.9 in 2019). Currently the highest proportion of mothers are aged between 30 and 34 (more than one-third (36%) of all mothers).
A woman's peak reproductive years are between the late teens and late 20s. By age 30, fertility (the ability to get pregnant) starts to decline. This decline becomes more rapid once you reach your mid-30s. By 45, fertility has declined so much that getting pregnant naturally is unlikely for most women.
Optimal birth spacing is at least 2 years, preferably 3-5 years. In populations that practice optimal breastfeeding, the impact of the breastfeeding on fertility naturally results in about 2 years of birth spacing on average.
Clearly, the window for having two or more children is tighter than it was for women in the past. How does this impact on the choices they make around parenting?
The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for a minimum of two years. Whilst conception during lactation is possible and your body can breastfeed two infants at once, breastfed babies under 12 months need supplementation during a pregnancy as milk production will decrease naturally due to pregnancy hormones.
Tandem breastfeeding is the act of breastfeeding children of different ages. Some toddlers will prematurely wean during a pregnancy. Some mothers find breastfeeding during pregnancy overwhelming and can experience discomfort. Mothers can develop aversion to breastfeeding their child while they are pregnant or while tandem feeding.
Breastsleeping is likely to continue into the second year and even the third. Night waking is developmentally typical in infancy. Some parents find two infants waking in the night overwhelming.
Carrying is typical in the first 3-4 years of life, with nomadic people bearing young children until they have the muscle and bone development to walk with adults and older children. Babywearing in pregnancy is an option where there are no physical barriers like pelvic floor weakness or symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD). Tandem babywearing is possible however the significant weight-bearing is also a risk factor for pelvic floor weakness and other issues postnatally. Your health care practitioners may caution against babywearing in pregnancy or carrying two children.
It can be challenging to be the gentle, respectful parent you want to be when your focus is turning to the unborn or newly-born infant. Pregnancy combined with paid work and the care of a young child, plus domestic responsibilities needs a lot of support .
If you are in a position to choose when to have a second or third child, waiting at least 18 -24 months after the previous birth before you conceive is recommended. Allowing your body to replenish nutrient stores like iron and folate is important for your unborn baby as well as your own health. Physical recovery after pregnancy and childbirth takes time.
You can be the gentle parent of more than one infant. Having very realistic expectations is vital. Even a 3-5 year old is unprepared for the huge shift a new sibling brings. Their needs do not decrease and can often become more demanding than the newborn.
The “Grandmother Hypothesis” suggests that human women live beyond breeding age (menopause) because of the intense needs of children in early childhood. When a new mother needs to give 100% of her time and energy to a newborn, the care and feeding of her previous baby relies on other females in the family - most commonly grandmothers and particularly the maternal grandmother. As Evolutionary Anthropologist and author of Mothers and Others: The Evolutionary Origins of Mutual Understanding Sarah Blaffer Hrdy says:
If the young were to survive in a world of scarce food, they needed to be cared for, not only by their mothers but also by siblings, aunts, fathers, friends—and, with any luck, grandmothers.
A strong support network is important for you to be the parent you want to be. Caring for two infants is likely the most demanding season of life. Be gentle with yourself.
