Getting upset is valid

Today, Miss 4 had a disappointment and was distressed. A well-meaning observer tried to help by telling her:

"You get what you get and you don't get upset"

I don't know the origin of this little rhyme which I only began hearing in the past few years but I really dislike it.

Think about the message it gives small children still developing emotional regulation:

Your feelings are not to be expressed. Indeed, you are not to experience those emotions.

Yet even preschool children like Miss 4 are being taught techniques to recognise, name and express how they feel. Mindfulness, growth mindset and zones of regulation are used in classrooms.

Yet this message is coming from the same educators.

Do not express your disappointment, frustration or anger. Don't. Get. Upset.

Miss 4 was upset. She changed her mind about a toy and was unable to exchange it. Her feelings are valid. She was processing her experience and was being supported by those she is securely attached to.

Many adults seem triggered by children letting emotions. That says a lot about their own upbringing and society's culture around distress.

"Calm down "

"You're okay"

"It's alright"

"Things aren't that bad "

Dismiss. Dismiss. Dismiss.

Validating children's feelings means they feel heard, they are not alone and what they are experiencing is not abnormal. Reflecting those emotions doesn't mean giving in.

"It's disappointing you couldn't change your toy"

"You feel really sad right now"

"It's frustrating when you change your mind but it's too late "

"It's not fair. I can see you are angry that happened. "

"You get what you get and you might feel upset. "