How Do You Respond?

When family and friends question your parenting choices

Ah, its the most wonderful time of the year. Your family and friends gather to celebrate and this year, you get to introduce the newest addition to your family.

So why does it feel like you are taking an exam or have signed up for the debate team?

Family relationships are complex and even friendship groups can have varied experiences and values. Whether you are first, last or somewhere in the middle of contributing to the newest generation, you are going to find yourself the centre of attention. Which can be overwhelming.

It helps to be prepared, have some strategies and gather your support crew in advance.

Most people fall into the following categories. You probably already know who goes where!

Green Zone people are coming from a place of curiosity, not judgement. They are open to learning about your parenting choices and how it all works. They are open-minded and accept that things change, options suit different needs and they understand your baby, your choice. These are the people you can safely engage in conversation about life with your new baby.

"She feeds a lot, doesn't she."
"Yes! I was surprised to learn they can feed every two hours or so. But it makes sense, they are growing so fast!"

Yellow Zone people are coming from a place of concern and confusion. When they see you doing things differently, they want to be sure you and your baby are safe, informed and happy. They might feel challenged about their own choices and worry you are judging them. These people need reassurance and validation. They are open to learning but must feel respected for doing things differently.

"She feeds a lot, doesn't she?"
"She sure does! And she's growing so fast. Now, who's putting the kettle on and where are those mince pies: I'm hungry again too!"

Red Zone people come from two places. For some, seeing how you parent is triggering. Trauma around birth, breastfeeding and other aspects of motherhood can linger for a lifetime, especially when it stems from a time women were told to forget, move on or had their concerns dismissed. Infertility, pregnancy and infant loss might also be part of their story. There might be grief, anxiety and anger lying just under the surface. Other people are just looking for an argument and you are a convenient target. They probably don't even care about how you raise your baby but enjoy baiting you and others for fun.

Red Zone people are not going to be convinced by anything you say or do and engaging with them will only stoke their fire. The best approach is to avoid, ignore and move to a place of safety when needed. Gather your supporters around you, have an agreed plan of action and identify your safe place ahead of time.

"She feeds a lot, doesn't she. I didn't make enough milk and my baby was starving. At least with a bottle, you know they are getting enough!"
"Yes, she does feed a lot. But before she does again, I'm just going to pop out and change her nappy."

"She feeds a lot, doesn't she? I've seen your boobs so much today, we should be married!"

"Yes, she does feed a lot. But she also needs a nap so I'm just going to pop into the bedroom where it's a bit quieter"

Team Mum & Baby

Who is going to be your support crew as you head into the fray? Gather your allies and give them a heads up about who might be challenging, how you plan to handle them and what your supporters can do to assist. Make sure they understand you do not want to engage in conflict and you would like them to help distract or diffuse if certain topics look like they might blow up. You can even arrange a safe word which you can drop into conversation which is code for SOS!

It can be especially hard if you are sitting holding or feeding your baby when someone stars having a go. If you are still getting the hang of breastfeeding around people, the last thing you want to do is stop feeding and relocate to a safe space. In these circumstances, your team can try asking the oppositional person to come to another room to help with something. But if you suspect that won’t work then pre-empting them by going into a closed room or quieter space with a support person who can block access might be the best bet.

An escape route

Sometimes, retreat is the easiest option. Taking your baby for a walk in your baby carrier or pram or even taking them for a drive can interrupt the conflict before it flares up. You can even have a plan of action in advance, with a shady spot in a nearby park to hang out until the storm passes.

It can even help to position yourself close to an easy exit if needed. In a restaurant or cafe, try not to be blocked in by multiple people preventing your from easily stepping away. Use your “mum card” to request a particular seat wherever you are, vaguely referencing needing that space to feed or care for your child. Make up excuses, even if they are nonsense.

At the end of the day, you are spending a finite time with these people. Let their opinions wash over you without leaving any residue. Don’t let them get in your head or spoil your day. Minimise engagement with them, be careful what you actually say and do around them to avoid triggering a rant and let your supporters protect you.